How does your nightmares affect you?
My nightmares all reflect loss. Loss, loss, loss. A word and feeling that I hate. Really hate. Rejection and abandonment however the cause. These experiences leave me feeling confused, incomplete, empty, shunned and even worthless. Why does memories of my deceased pets from mice to rats and dogs cause me to feel worthless? Death is inevitable. Natural and expected. They haven’t chosen to leave me. Death is the sick bitch that takes the essence from life. Cardiac arrest then brain hypoxia, processes laughing at me as they take take take.
Seeing my long deceased spaniel Haggis happily run towards me as my hens scattered only to wake up by the warmth of a dying tealight. No floppy ears in my hand, it’s my Nintendo 3DS left on yet again as I fell asleep. Even my two beautiful little guinea pigs surfaced in a stress dream. Why? They were as far removed from the word stress as I could calculate, why haunt me instead of comfort me? Did I do wrong rehoming them? Oh my God, is it guilt that teases me as I sleep? Not guilt. It’s upset at yet another fucking loss.
Yet deceased family members don’t create upsetting feelings. Grandad McAdam on dad’s side features in my dreams frequently. Dreams, not nightmares. Though he never speaks because the dead never do. I was very close to him and I feel his presence in a very positive, comforting way. Guardian Grandad, yes!
Many nights at the so-called Witching Hour I wake up bewildered after reliving horrible events in my sleep. Seeing past faces glaring at me and there’s no chance of any physical reconciliation. We agreed to disagree and such is life. School friends grow up and relationships dissipate, work mates are work mates, nothing more. Perhaps their faces simply represent aspects of my life that I miss. Some we mutually screwed up big time and peace within is striving to be saught. Calm on the outside, my brain still aching inside.
Other relationships fizzle out naturally due to circumstances but damn J from work, you knew we were seen as siblings and I miss you! He’s since married and flourishing so I’m extremely happy for him. But I miss how we used to hire videos, play video games and mess around after work. We both lived in rented rooms at the Royal Brompton’s staff accommodation. That fire extinguisher incident. I suppose what I miss about J is the period of my life he represents. The late 90s, I was doing really well and excited. Studying anatomy and physiology and advanced mortuary techniques to further my career. Then BOOM. Body and mind gradually wore me down and my bubble burst. Monthly check ins with occupational health until alas, I was gently let go.
Nightmares. Bad dreams. Flashbacks. Whatever the label, I wish they would leave me alone. However, I deal with the feelings I experience much better. It was a hiccup, just a random dream of past experiences erratically firing off as I sleep beneath my fluffy brushed cotton duvet cover. Drooling away into the pillow case like I’ve had a transient stroke. Hahaha sorry that’s gross but true. I need to start a We All Drool support group.
© Copyright: Sharon Lawson™