Life, relationships

Calm Your Inner Storm

calm

Sometimes everything gets too much and my mind and body end up screaming in anguish. Then I get the low grade headache and trembling. A mixture of nerves and rage. Flare ups of everything happens and a Kalms OD. This is what it’s like to have reached the end of my tether and a strong desire to make peace.

With everything.

Relationships have blossomed then sadly withered and harbouring negative thoughts is fruitless. A high school best friend and I went everywhere together, wore each others’ clothes and were inseparable. Until the email. Fucking hell, that email whilst I was at the fantastic INPUT Pain Management course at St Thomas’s hospital. She disgracefully informed me of my ‘faults’ “as a friend”. Game over and no extra lives. How dare she judge someone who is coping with many difficulties like that. For years I felt angry with her, wanted to lash out and allowed vengeance to remain in my mindset. One day in therapy, we did an exercise about gently letting go. It felt weird being advised to forgive her as I certainly needed forgiveness too after my response. It worked. Now I just reflect on all the good times we shared and sincerely hope she is doing well.

Misunderstandings are my major downfall. You see, I’m the morbid personality type, the type you actually require in life to be undertakers, butchers, the military, surgeons, pathologists, abattoir staff, etc. Who can deal with things most people can’t cope with. My sense of humour is impulsive, dark and observational. There are almost no boundaries when it comes to laughter and chats over a coffee. I’ll always put my foot in it and “take things too far” but that’s an opinion, not one of the Ten Commandments.

In these days using social media, being dragged into something that’s actually none of your business is a disturbing phenonemon. Just because you happen to know someone who knows someone so you’re perceived as the enemy. Wild accusations based on nothing but paranoia and mass hysteria fly at you like mosquitoes and a situation escalates. You feel a pawn in a calculated vengeance game. People try to keep out of it or make peace yet gross misunderstandings continue. Best to wish them all the best and simply keep out. Taking sides without knowing all the facts is ethically wrong and no-one should be forced to do so.

In our lifetime people argue, fight, fall out, offend each other, are misunderstood, say things the wrong way and so the list goes on. Most things can be retracted and apologised for yet there are those bites that cause too deep a wound to repair. A degree of effort is made to make up but it’s like walking on rotten wood and you keep falling through. Yet despite everything people may say, they may still fundamentally care for those lost during a storm.

Try to visualise leaves flowing past you in a stream. Memories floating by as you relegate your thoughts, feelings and even destructive instincts to a much healthier place. Anyone with ongoing social anger, hatred, obsession, etc should find your calm place. You all deserve love and healing from any form of hurt. And accept that not all relationships are meant to be.

What else should I be?
All apologies

© Copyright: Sharon Lawson™

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