I’m so angry right now, in this moment as I type out my emotions so fast I feel like I’m at a rifle range hitting the bullseye over and over. At life, circumstances, occurences and most of all, myself or at least I think myself. During this short lived emotion explosion arises a monstrous form that takes over me and I feel…
Great word recently learned from goodness knows where but I took note. So yes, I’m an epileptic apoplectic she-demon hahaha!!! A right metaphysical fuck up. I don’t feel emotions I literally FEEL emotions like pain, hot, cold, ticklish feet. Do that last part to me and pray for a quick death, I get full-on The Exorcist’s Regan mode should cheeky fingers try and assault my feet and armpits. Believe it or not, an ex pinned me down with his 15 stone might and tickled me for his amusement. The bedside lamp got smashed in the tussle.
Feeling emotions is a very challenging aspect of borderline personality disorder. It might be connected to being empathic but I’ve read conflicting articles on whether people with BPD are indeed empathetic so I’m confused. Borderline Rage is the biggest thorn in my flesh. Anything in my grip during that moment will almost be smashed or thrown. I fizz with uncontrollable sensations like a nuclear bath bomb! Fizzing, dizzy, raging like a bull and so, have to remove myself from the situation.
Childish, as I have been called, for walking away is for the good of all involved. Even if I freeze and don’t communicate for hours, it’s just my body and mind’s way of simmering down. Take it from me, walking away is absolutely NOT being “childish“. I detest that ignorant opinion. As I perch in my roost like a dozing chicken in her coop, leave me be and I’ll eventually pop out an egg then come back out.
Back to the beginning of my blog and why I feel suddenly furious.
A friend whom I’ve known since primary school and kept in touch with via Facebook tragically committed suicide on January 1st aged 44. His family were concerned about him and mentioned it to the local authorities and were they listened to? Well, my friend would still be here. His horrible lonely death was a huge shock to the whole community and had us reeling in a dream like state of mind. I think it struck me hard because I struggle with frequent suicidal ideations and have a history. The thought of him feeling like that as I looked at his face on Facebook made me feel nauseous. The “if only” statements were abusing me but I’m not responsible for everybody’s life. Another problem I have: always feeling responsible.
I contacted a few friends whom I know wrestle with their mental health and the results felt like I’d struck gold. They replied and a few read this blog regularly hence I opted for no need for a WordPress account to view it. Why restrict people? We’ve exchanged numbers and have already been in touch via our phones.
It’s amazing to go from apoplectic to ecstatic after outpouring words however I still want to throw things… but with joy!
© Copyright: Sharon Lawson™