The Butcher and The Mortician

First published on riversofgrue in April 2018 by Richard Charles Stevens for LH Grey and Sharon Lawson

Suggested Audio Below

FRESH CUTS OF THE DAY

Please, do come this way
and feel free to peruse as you do
Duty bound to inform you
that snoozing means losing
You’ll know just what we mean once we’re through
There is much ado here in the Chop Shop
More chilled cadavers than you’d know what to do with
but just so you know
We do

Highly skilled in our trade
for we kill in the name of providing a service for you
It’s two for the price of one really
Quite clearly a bargain
Pound for pound
We’re the cheapest in town
Not to mention Whitechapel’s finest
Indeed, it says as much on our front signage

We feel we have grounds to make such a bold claim
and uphold to this day
that not a solitary cut goes to waste
We would find such downright distasteful
Cannot bear to entertain being wasteful
So one hacks, whacks and chops
while the other scrubs up
no blood to mop up
not one
drop

Chop chop!
Let’s get straight to the gristle
The skinning
The splitting
Seems fitting to sit and observe
Indeed, you could learn a thing
or perhaps even two
as we take it in turns to strip to the bone
just for you
Peel back the husk
to reveal the veal
Fate prevailing
this unveiling should prove our freshest cut to date
Pride of place in our front of house window at stake
and speaking of steak
better make ours rare

Hot-boned harassment
as this cleaver proceeds to cleave the flesh open with embarrassing ease
For the boning and trimming
Strimming the conifer
so to speak
or as we like to call it
MEAT AND GREET

Catchy slogan don’t you think?
Tickled pink when we came up with it
Just seemed to fit

Digressions aside, we undeniably pride ourselves on securing the most prime of cuts
and The Butcher is all guts and glory
You’re goddamn right things get gory
To trim short a long story
It’s a bleeding bloodbath
and as you can see
we run it real deep

Have you eaten by the way?
Never mind, we shall soon have you open
Our little piñata
Spring loaded for fun
Those intestines look suggestive
How about we get them strung?
Take a little of this
and a little of that
Whip you up a platter
and a tall stem of splatter
Doesn’t matter if you scream
as these back streets are quiet
Plus, one snip of a ribbon
et voila
Blissful silence

Well, apart from the gargles
Occupational hazard we regret to inform
But this is where the chloroform proves dandy
comes in ever so handy
as it snuffs out those snivels
and my associate
has no time for such woe is me drivel
You can run
but formaldehyde will find you
Will decline to ask nicely
as it gushes and flushes you through
No rushing The Mortician
precision is a given
indecision no issue for one so devastatingly driven
You’d be forgiven for claiming anal retention
But don’t mention this to you know who
as it may lead to unwanted tension
Some find her tetchy
Her intentions a touch sketchy
But I have to come clean
I find it all rather fetching

Preservation is key to the fresh cuts you see spread before you
and it is she who ensures that the slab remains clean at all times
Disinfecting while inspecting for any septic infection
Section by section
She is thorough
No question

And while you’re all ears
here’s another suggestion
I wouldn’t mention the organ donor card in your wallet if I were you
as she needs not your blessing
to lessen the load
And trust me
you have no idea how low she will stoop
as we swoops like a Raven
just to satisfy her cravings
Daylight saving
When you think of it
as it pains me to say that you’re not going to make it
One more word of advice
and I’d advise that you take it
We’d love you to squeal
and we’ll know if you fake it
Just so you know,
you won’t fake it

I’d say you’ve waited far long enough
Wouldn’t you?
Seems a shame not to see this thing through
do the do
Wouldn’t blame you for thinking us rude
but you have to admit
While our methods are admittedly crude
We do run a tight ship
A stern vessel of grue
if you will
and we’ve long since had our sights set on you
Why else would our prices be so bloody low
if not to lure you right in?
Get under that skin
grab those pounds of prime rib
We would say come again
but you will do no such thing
Now what say we get to the butchering?

Chop chop!

Richard Charles Stevens

Keeper of The Crimson Quill

© Copyright: Rivers of Grue™ Shadow Spark Publishing™

Further reading: Eyes Glazed Over

Meat Man by Jerry Lee Lewis

3 thoughts on “The Butcher and The Mortician

  1. 2017 would have been a year tinged in sadness for me. However, I had the pleasure of meeting both a butcher and mortician and blessings come no greater. So glad to finally release it on Rivers of Grue and also that you loved it enough to place it here. Honoured. I’m just glad I’m not a vegetarian.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I frequency wonder the very same. On RoG, it’s Eyes Glazed Over but I think Eyes Glazed Open actually suits the piece every bit as well. Either way, it’s a masterpiece. And, along with the delightful Curious Jane, my personal favourite piece of yours.

        Liked by 1 person

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