“Nothing is perfect except the imperfection all around us” ~ Unknown
Suggested audio: Letter From The Lost Days from the Silent Hill 3 OST by Akira Yamaoka
Most social media platforms do not permit any form of harassment, cyberbullying, gaslighting and so forth however Twitter is well known to be the most toxic of environments for slander and defamation and the millions of tweets against people from all walks of life both famous and not can be draining. What surprises me is that under both UK and USA Law (other countries not explored) this type of behaviour can easily overstep the mark into the realms of being against the Law. Yet these social media giants have crafted up so many T&Cs and legal loopholes to deem themselves “not liable” and if you push the matter further, costly court orders are required. Names will also be forever connected should legal proceedings be pushed and it’s a connection often wished to be laid to rest.
Posting quotes, images and random musings on social media platforms can actually damage you for good. More so during a personal scuffle. Should you sucummb to moments of weakness due to anger, frustration, upset or all, both sides of the situation will not always be taken into consideration especially if you have significantly less influence online than the other affected party or parties. And no one even questions your participation in the melee, perhaps because they simply don’t want to drag themselves down with someone else’s business. They have their own life to worry about.
Sadly I broke contact with someone I loved very much (identity will be protected) after a heated situation. These things happen, it’s an unfortunate fact of life. The standard proceedure of mutual blocking everywhere each of our faces popped up was carried out as is advisable under such circumstances. This was almost a year ago and I elected to erase my four years of fun on Twitter in April of this year for personal reasons. It was revealed to me that it was later thought I’d renamed my account the same handle as my Instagram to remain anonymous. That particular account displayed as “suspended” so easily misunderstood. It made me chuckle though. As if I would be so, well, obvious to be anonymous. My decade old experience behind-the-scenes of website administration on Documenting Reality knew that no matter what I’d renamed the ValiumFreak who’d comitted cyber suicide, Twitter admin could very easily track me within a several mile radius by my static IP address.
I’d tweeted a provocative quote illustrated by my girl crush Angelina Jolie saying, “What a waste of time you were“. It certainly nudged at a few people in my past however it was deleted following realisation it wasn’t the most compassionate move plus the subsequent insensitive discourse on a public forum was inappropriate.
During the following months, I posted a random quote I found on Pinterest reading: “How do you kill someone without being rude?“. I found it on my ‘Ask Anything’ group board and it made me laugh so I thought I’d share it. It was probably from a film or song and I read that quotes always go down well if you can’t think of something to tweet. But they can be misconstrued and so, I deleted it also.
Sources informed me it was stated I was “admittedly, obsessed” with the person I ceased contact with. I still loved them, that doesn’t fade away overnight. They were cool and we connected on many levels. After things going really haywire, I tried to get back in touch to resolve differences. We both didn’t need it. Regardless of who was right or wrong. A private exchange soon ensued and I was initially delighted. But the conversation felt off. Much was said and on the second day I realised there was intent to make me confess to something I honestly had no recollection of saying. My fragile mental health was mentioned in a statement designed to assure me: “…if it’s going to harm your mental health I won’t…”.
But I won’t became I will.
Aspects of my borderline personality disorder were triggered so severely I exploded into hysteria, fear and hurt myself. Twice I rang the crisis number for my local mental health services and was urged to call Cybercrime UK who asked questions and advised I immediately cease contact and call the police. So I did. Two officers visited my home and interviewed myself and my husband who was my strength that day. They looked at the whole transcript and took other details then asked if I’d sent money or articles. I became emotional recalling a special Pandora bracelet and especially the Winnie the Pooh plush but they were relieved there was no financial blackmail in place.
I was informed an extraordinary claim regarding the FBI was said to me was a scare tactic used to coerce me into a potentially false confession and not true plus they advised me on other details. I am hardly the mafia or Mexican drug cartel. An apology I wrote for them was sent in good faith that it was private and would help us move on but I was gently informed I shouldn’t have done and it will be and was used against me. Too late. The whole incident floored me. I thought we were getting somewhere amicable but obviously not following the activity thereafter.
I became so distressed over the months leading up to all the above at their tragic health, I was constantly worried sick and perceived as had changed and hated everyone . How can you remain fun in that fragile situation? So you read about BPD, erratic behaviour and sometimes difficulties interacting with society when under stress for whatever reason. But who doesn’t? My mum offered to buy me plane tickets and hotel costs to visit them but it wasn’t welcomed and I so desperately wanted to hold them in my arms. In my feathery chicken bosom I smiled in amusement.
Substance abuse was suspected too but all I abuse is coffee and videogames. My name ValiumFreak and jocular references to opiates didn’t help. Plus I was sent to the A&E Department twice for an ECG in short succession with suspected angina and hearing this, it was perceived as faking it to get opiates. All you get is a chest full of sticky pads and a free nipple wax!. Thankfully it was sternal pain caused by acute anxiety from worry. Ironically.
Another extraordinary claim I heard from another source was that I am a liar, I am not who I say I am. So who am I? My place of work as a dental nurse and mortician were questioned which was a crushing hurtful blow as losing my lifetime ambition was one of the most difficult moments in my life resulting in attempted suicide. Throwing that to me was horrific. Cool fact: I was taken to the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel, Jack the Ripper territory! So back to the claim, I have struggled with self identity for as long as I can remember and to break me down further without questioning me directly was a shocking move to someone with BPD.
Yet still, not one person has confronted me directly.
At the end of this retrospective look at a tragic situation all I can conclude is be very careful with social media and:
I am not perfect, nothing except IMPERFECTION is perfect and online sorrowful yesterdays can be edited for a brighter tomorrow.
© Copyright: Sharon Lawson™