Suggested audio: Identify by Natalie Imbruglia
Have you ever wondered who you are? Seeds of self-doubt planted in your mind like unwanted weeds. No disrespect to the often pretty weeds. Many most photogenic. Adaption to our surroundings, our social groups and individuals is a human trait we all do subconsciously.
People such with myself with Borderline Personality Disorder, have difficulties relating to people and their environment. BPD not the only psychological factor at play, many mental health problems creates a feeling of social awkwardness.
I recently stepped back and studied my own reactions to people on different levels and saw marked variations in my replies. I was very polite to those I considered “adults” (feeling a child within an adult world is really strange!), upbeat and childlike to those whom I felt was “equal” to me and there it was, my ‘dark passenger’ (Dexter fans?) came out to play and enjoyed interaction with my extremely morbid side. Responses to family were equally varied however theirs were also. Inhibited to wild and free, some I noticed were refraining from revealing heavy drink consumption yet posting beautiful selfies with a cheeky glass in their hand. They did it too.
As a child and teenager I was always, I felt, on the periphery. Not knowing which group of kids I fitted in with. My wardrobe wasn’t any particular style, it had a mish-mash of everything. I wore Kick-hi Kickers, Travel Fox trainers yet 8 hole Doctor Martens with funky tie-dye laces. Chipie jeans to second-hand ripped and re-dyed Levi 501’s. I felt awkward, threatened even, with “popular” kids but safe and at home with the so-called “freaks and geeks”. Was this abnormal or normality unrecognised?
Worklife, albeit cut short, proved I wasn’t that great in a team situation! I loved cracking on by myself and still felt weird adapting to various people. Being a post woman in Bathgate sorting office was great fun and we all worked essentially by ourselves despite all being one big team Swearing at one another then making each other a hot drink and lending our waterproofs. Dental nurse training was tolerable as the staff were very few and I was halfway between solitary and a team member as I had a mere supporting role. My final role involving wearing a lab coat full of ink stains one minute then darting downstairs to gear-up from head-to-toe was the hardest. The lab staff, I perceived as “adults” who were “exceptionally better than me” which triggered my inferiority complex. I was glad when an autopsy request was phoned through and it was just me and the very down-to-earth pathologist whom I really bonded with. I’ll never forget her love of those cute Citroen 2CV Dollys with the leaking roofs.
My point drifting somewhat, as usual! I’m like the wind, I keep changing direction.
Some people struggle to fit in. and ask the age old question, “who am I?”. Over my years of CBT, CAT and personal reflection I’ve now finally realised that adaption is normal for people’s psychological make-up. Do you feel the same way? You’re actually more confident than you know. Like a butterfly flying from flower to flower reacting how she needs to for each one. As I’ve said, you just dance across all colours of the rainbow.
So who exactly are we? Mind-blowing question! You are yourself all the time. A chameleon who enjoys all the beauty and variety of life and what it has to offer, mingling with vast types of people groups and can throw open your wardrobe and wear whatever style you want because you’re simply… You.
© Copyright: Sharon Lawson™