Suggested audio: Temptation by New Order
Each way I turn
I know I’ll always try
To break the circle
That has been placed round me
I was listening to my phone’s ‘Power Up’ playlist and one of my favourite tracks by Post punk new wave band New Order blue toothed it’s way into my soul. An upbeat track from 1982 believed to be about disorientation. As I listened enjoying this song used in the darkly comedic but grim film Trainspotting (1996), suddenly some of the lyrics (above) hit me hard in the face like a sun-dried cowpat. The subject upset me and made me feel a prisoner within my putrid skull when in reality, I should be cluck cluck strutting my stuff like a funky ass chicken.
I know I’m a woman able to just be herself and adapt to anyone and any situation. I’m a childlike maniac with some, my inner Morticia Addams with others and formal upon request. I guess it’s down to never have been being pigeonholed as I grew up. Thank goodness. The word ‘woman’ feels so weird and alien to me. Me? A woman?? No way, I’m 17 inside! A trapped 17 year old in an ageing carcass. That’s another story altogether,
Back to the New Order song. About disorientation. Exactly. I always wake up thinking, ‘okay Sharon, which of the A – Z of emotions are you going to feel today?’. I am like a bear with a sore head when I get up and need two coffees minimum to boot up my system. Not forgetting my prescription “mood medicines” and strong painkillers for chronic pain. The shower is my brief moment of daily calm unless I drop the 1000ml bottle of Wella Whatever shampoo on my foot and swear the house down like Gordon Ramsey on ecstasy.
The repeated “up, down, turn around, please don’t let me hit the ground” hook line of the song is symbolic of what plays over and over in my head like a scratched record. Begging myself to not hit the ground and sink into the engulfing sea of desructive thinking and actions. I can be triggered by something so subtle as a shift in tone of voice or seeing someone I perceive as much more attractive than I. Strange how Angelina Jolie isn’t a trigger!? Probably because she’s been a long-standing girl crush.
“Each way I turn, I know I’ll always try, to break the circle that has been placed around me“. A nod to mindfulness and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. And some serious button mashing on the Playstation. No matter what negative mood I’ve been kicked to the ground with, I consider that “From time to time I find our lost meaning“. ‘Our’ referring to the whole concept of life itself. A close friend of mine suggested I create a whiteboard using paper and pen (I prefer my multicoloured fine tip markers as they represent my multicoloured thoughts) and write down every positive person and aspect of my life. The result was eye-openening to say the least. The good things were overwhelming, the uncertanties were only slight and the negatives proved insignificant. Teamed up with various other mind exercises, I can more often than not deep breathe and feel no longer disorientated.
To my cherished husband who I seriously would be ashes without
“I’ve never met anyone quite like you before“
© Copyright: Sharon Lawson™